Can't Give In, But I Must
by SketchGal2
Summary: Hotch struggles relentlessly with his feelings, trying to stay in control of them...but can't. Co-exists with my M/G and Desiree/Reid series.


I couldn't stay away. ;_; I need to finish packing...but I wanted to start this. New, pretty heavy storyline coming. This story sets it up. Co-exists with the Desiree/Reid and M/G stories I have also. I haven't really wrote about Hotch except for his brief appearance in my M/G story, so I hope his characterization is fine in the eyes of other CM fans. :o

Please read and review, thank you

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><p><strong>Can't Give In, But I Must<strong>

The moment Aaron Hotchner laid eyes on Jennifer Jareau, he knew she would become his.

When they first shook hands with each other so many years previous, he felt a gentle flutter in his chest. He almost thought the feeling was a figment of his imagination spurned on by a lack of sleep but...it happened again...and again. It soon became a concurrent reaction each day since J.J starting working at the BAU and Hotch knew it would not stop.

That gentle flutter in his chest should have been immediately trampled on with the all knowing fact that Haley was his wife, until death did them part. He recalled seeing Haley for the first time, falling for her instantly back in his sophomore year of high school. He went as far as joining the theater club to get her ended up being the worst fourth pirate in history but it was all worth having the object of his desire.

The case was not that he did not love Haley or was not happy with her. The case was that his attraction to the media liaison attacked his mind fervently and he worried his heart was the next victim.

To watch, to wait, to wonder if she even looked in his direction.

No.

Haley. Your high school sweetheart remember? The one you made a child with...Jack?

He closed his eyes taking a deep breath.

He couldn't.

They couldn't be together.

He had to make sure to keep more of a distance between himself and J.J. By doing that he would practice controlling the beat of his heart better for when she was around him.

He fought so hard.

He lost.

After three years he lost this battle. He lost his grip on reality and began fantasizing what his life would be with J.J. What it would be like to hold her, touch her...claim her as his. The torture of keeping away, which he maintained for years.

This stopped however while he was in his office late at night one day, when only he and J.J would be the only ones in that level of the building. An unknown force urged Hotch to pick up his phone and dial her the office number.

"I need you...in my office please" he simply said, struggling to keep his voice even. He heard a confirmation on the other line before hanging up. He pressed the phone to his head, closing his eyes yet again in frustration. in the distance he heard heels tapped on the floor,the sound coming closer and closer to the entrance of his office until there was a knock on the door.

He opened his eyes in time to see J.J standing at the door with a curious look on her face.

"You needed somethin'?" she asked face weary from the long day. Hotch observed her a few moments before standing up slowly and making his way over to her. He stopped short a few inches away from her.

"You look a little tired" he commented, face softening and gazing openly at J.J. She let out a noise of agreement laughing lightly.

"Yeah, you're telling me. I still have to sift through more case files to have something for tomorrow so-" J.J

A few moments of silence passed between the two. "Well I should get going if there's nothing else?" she indicated towards the door.

"Right, of course"

He gave up control for this poisonous thing...impulse. He had to give in, in order to stay sane...

In order to be able to have somewhat normally functioning team relationship between him and J.J again...which was ironic in the fact that in what he was about to do would have to be kept forever a secret. Just letting go, so he could have control again...there was nothing wrong with that was there?

"J.J"

J.J turned around to face him again giving a small smile. "Yes? I kinda have to-"

Something broke in his mind that differentiated between right and wrong. It was the one that when failing to stop a particular thought, tried then to stop the body from performing a certain action. It tried to control his ever present lustful thoughts but it didn't take. It tried to keep his hands, and mouth to himself in a last ditch effort...but failed miserably.

Everything was a blur as he connected his mouth to J.J's in a fierce but somehow gentle kiss, both of his hands cradling her face. J.J confused tried pushing him away, but stopped, allowing the action to continue. Hotch broke away slowly still holding her face in his hands, trembling slightly and breathing heavy.

"We can't do this...we can't be together" he breathed, gazing deeply into J.J's eyes a sad smile on his face."I can't stop thinking about you..."

"You have Haley Hotch..." J.J said through a strained voice."This isn't right"

Hotch rested his forehead against J.J's breathing deeply, head spinning. "I just, I can't control myself anymore"

J.J tried walking away from Hotch's grip but couldn't, feeling something in the pit of her stomach and chest pull her further into his destruction. Tears started forming in her eyes as she shook her head.

"We can't...Haley...your wife Hotch...you have a son..."

Hotch removed his forehead from J.J's to press his lips against hers yet again, more urgent and messier than before. She whimpered, tears rolling down her cheeks,which were both happy and sad, while mirroring Hotch's actions.

As the pair slipped each others tongues in, exploring the new found territory, clothes were removed and hands used as the only form communication for the rest of the night.

The next day they acted as if nothing happened during the day. J.J went about briefing the team their assignment in the morning, then flying out to the location. They wouldn't be together as they did before until Haley's death. Hotch blamed himself for Haley's death entirely, seeing it as some sort of karmic, universal occurrence for cheating on her.

He originally thought the payment for this sin was to be confronted by the Reaper, where he ended up in the hospital with nine stab wounds. He thought he could finally rest easy with the thought that his debt was paid...however Haley's death was the denouement. She died in the most brutal way at the hands of the Reaper soon after. When Hotch discovered her, his heart shattered, but stubbornly not completely unrepairable. In the back of his mind a small thought quickly appeared, reassuring him that J.J, his new love, was still there even though his wife was not.

He sobbed every night after Haley's funeral, willing the searing asinine thought away but it only repeated itself double time. He wanted guilt to eat him away bit by bit, but it never came to feast. He wanted to feel fear of knowing that his team could possibly discover he wasn't as heartbroken over the loss of his wife because he was deeply in love with Jennifer Jareau. He wanted to be struck down by bolts of thunder by the gods for looking at Jack in the face and not feeling the remorse that most widows feel when their child loses their mother. The only thing he could think of was how J.J would eventually move into his home become a permanent part of Jack's life forever more.

He would have to wait though.

That required more control.

Very recently he gave into impulse, letting go again at the office by surprising J.J after a meeting between their team ended. He hadn't done that in almost three years. They usually kept their time together at J.J's apartment always. Yet again he lost.

He saw her escape to her office that day and followed behind her minutes later as not to attract too much attention. Closing the door quietly behind him he made his way over to her, wrapping his arms around her. This was received with a laugh and a warning,

"This is really dangerous you know, Aaron" being followed by a moan as he used his hands to explore her body.

He roughly turned her around to face him saying, "I hate being interrupted from our time together. So I'm finishing this now" he stated before roughly capturing her lips. The two moved to J.J's desk, Hotch knocking everything on top of it to the ground before swiftly removing each others clothes.

The two of them hid this from the team. From Reid, Morgan, Garcia, Prentiss and Rossi. Gideon as well when he was still on the BAU.

When the time came he hoped to give into telling his team this secret.

He wanted to learn to control himself first.

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><p>D: Please don't throw rocks! -hides-<p>

Weird ending? D;

This is basically the origin of their relationship in my verse thing. The are finally discovered by someone in my M/G story, won't say who.

Well off I go to finish getting ready. I will update my other stories as soon as possible.

Thanks for reading. Please review and tell me what you guys thought. hints on what I could do better or something?

Bye! :)


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